Getting started with BDSM

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Essentially, it's a broad discipline involving different types of power play and sensation exploration and can be for anyone, no matter what your desires are.

When many people first think of BDSM, their minds immediately jump to the furthest end of the spectrum. In reality, not all BDSM practices have to involve whipping, collars and leather straps. BDSM refers to a whole range of sexual practices, and it's important to regard all with the respect they deserve. There's no shame in desiring something, and looking for the best way to get into that. Here's our top tips for starting out.

1. Knowledge is power:

   • And power is sexy! Before engaging in any type of BDSM, take time out to have a google and read up a little bit before on the different aspects, what you and your partner could do and safety precautions. As you're reading this article, congrats - you've made it to the first step! Check out specific Instagram accounts about BDSM, look at another expert website or even reach out to BDSM communities. BDSM is a very welcoming community and treats everyone with the respect they deserve, so don't be afraid before diving in.

2. Get to know yourself:

   • Having sex and being turned on will already give you an indication of what type of BDSM activity you might like or want to try. For example, you may already prefer your partner to be more dominant, and therefore want to incorporate ties. You might like biting your partner's neck, and so want to try choking. If you're completely unsure, read up first and imagine partaking in the activity. Then you can suggest it to your partner.

3. Communication and consent:

   • As we've already pointed out, BDSM is a huge spectrum, and can escalate quickly. Consent and communication prior to sex are, therefore, absolutely vital and are non-negotiable in order for you both to enjoy it and want to do it again. Before getting down to it, sit down with your partner and raise what you want to try. This doesn't have to be a downer before sex, instead, it could merely involve you voicing that you want to try being a sub, or want to incorporate spanking, and setting boundaries and expectations with your partner. Later down the line, it can be sexy to ask for it with your partner, but make sure this doesn't come as a surprise to them.

4. Know when to stop, pause, and go for it:

   • Because BDSM can move quickly and your reaction to it can change abruptly, having a safe word is very important. That can simply be 'stop' or something less halting, but communicating limits with your partner is important for both of you and can make or break the experience. Using a traffic light system is also common practice in BDSM communities and useful to use in your own bedroom too. Red is 'stop', orange being 'slow it down' and green meaning 'go for it'. This is a great way of communicating your wants and needs with your partner without using language that may feel too harsh for the bedroom.

5. Start slowly:

   • If you're a BDSM newbie, start small. Instead of jumping straight in with something that can feel overwhelming, using a blindfold, getting your partner to order you around, or light pinching, are more manageable activities than anything stronger.

6. Establish roles:

   • BDSM can involve roles such as dominant (top) and submissive (bottom). Tops are the ones that do things and bottoms like having things done to them. Sadists also enjoy inflicting pain, and masochists enjoy receiving it. It's important to try both if you're with a long term partner, and often switching between the two can turn you both on. However, atmosphere can change quickly in BDSM play, so make sure to communicate before and during sex.

7. Be safe:

   • Safety is key, especially if you're playing with sadism and masochism. Set boundaries, be sure to communicate and discuss potential risks before.

8. Learn to accept 'no':

   • Trust is a very important aspect to BDSM and knowing that you and your partner are comfortable saying no to each other allows both of you freedom. If your partner says no, show them immediate gratitude and acceptance; thank them for telling you and pause what you're doing. This is of course consensual, but also strengthens your bond and trust.

9. Afterwards…:

   • After a BDSM session, make sure to take care of each other. Aftercare provides physical and emotional support, especially if you've been engaging in a rougher type of BDSM. Aftercare can come in all types and forms depending on what you both need, but can involve cuddling, using affirmations or simply sitting and chatting together.

There's no one way to enjoy BDSM and it can mean different things for everyone. Remember to respect everyone's choices and be non-judgmental about what people desire. However, consent, communication and boundaries are key to enjoying it properly, so set all of these with your partner beforehand. With the right approach and precautions, BDSM can become a fulfilling, exciting and sexy way to both spice up your sex life, explore new desires, and build intimacy with your partner all at the same time.