How to feel more confident in the bedroom

Not feeling yourself can really affect your experience of sex. As well as putting you off either initiating sex initially or really getting into it, not feeling like you can make you uncomfortable, unhappy and tense, making what could be an amazing, enjoyable experience stressful and unpleasant.

Cultural, familial, and psychological factors impact how we view sex and our relationship with it. This then can either prevent or allow us to have healthy sexual self-esteems. Maybe you feel unhappy about your body image, maybe you’ve had a past traumatic experience, maybe it’s your first time and the bodies you’ve seen having sex in the media don’t represent you, leading you to feel like you don’t deserve sex. How we view ourselves determines our sexual experiences and changing this is the first step to giving yourself happier and more fulfilling sex. Lacking confidence in yourself when having sex doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. There's many ways to unlearn thought patterns to rewrite your sexual narrative and make you more ‘you’ in the bedroom.

Take time to think about what you're feeling

Sit down with yourself and perhaps a journal and take the moment to think about how you feel when you have sex. Perhaps you feel quickly overwhelmed, like you want to shy away or like you want to get it over and done with. Think about how you felt in that moment and why that might be. Recognising the feeling is the first step.

Sometimes, it feels like it’s too much to do this, and that’s totally ok. If you’re in this position, seeking the help of a professional and talking it through can be really helpful.

Spend time with yourself intimately

For this next step, it’s all about you time. Learning what you do and don’t like and how best to unlock these desires in yourself is very valuable. Go easy on yourself and take care of yourself while you do this: light a candle, have a bath and say encouraging things to yourself (you’re sexy and you deserve to tell yourself that!). Spend time with your body, get to know what turns you on and what feels good. And when you find that out, celebrate it! 

Start to explore in a safe environment

When introducing someone else into the equation between you and your body, make sure that you’re beginning in a safe and secure environment. That means having a sexual experience in a place that feels good to you e.g. your bedroom. That also means choosing a sexual partner carefully so you know you can be yourself and feel entirely comfortable in their presence. That might look different for different people - perhaps you want to explore in a stranger’s presence, or perhaps you want to start your sexual journey with someone you know very well. Listen to your body and respect it.

Learn how to communicate in a sexual setting more openly

Once you have a better understanding of your body, its needs and desires, what it likes and doesn’t like, let your partner know this. There’s no shame in describing what you like. In fact, this makes the experience better for everyone involved, by setting boundaries and expectations, and showing your partner that you know what you want and you aren’t afraid to ask for it. In fact, that’s sexy! Sex is intimate and great shared, particularly when you can talk to each other about it.

Develop routines and habits to get you in the mood

Whether by yourself or with a partner, creating rituals that set you in the right mood is very important for sex. Just like nightly self-care routines, like making yourself a tea, doing your skincare etc., through exploring what works you for and your partner you can unlock what helps you become aroused more confidently and easily. Perhaps giving each other a massage helps, or cuddling in front of the TV. Perhaps having a shower together, or even going for a walk before helps. This doesn’t have to be announced, but instead can become an intuitive marker for you both that exciting things are about to happen.

This also applies if you’re taking some time for yourself! Maybe you like to have a bath with salts in, light a candle and lay in bed before enjoying you-time. Either way, figuring out what helps you relax and feel good is key.